The Better Part

by Aimée O’Connell, T.O.Carm.

 

In a previous post, I talked about how tricky it can be to recognize the signs of neurodivergent burnout, how long-term masking can contribute to impostor syndrome, and how these factors together create significant obstacles to our spiritual health. In my opinion, this is where the Church needs to focus attention when asking how to reach out to and support neurodivergent members. We need to ask: What can the Church do that isn’t already being done by service agencies, advocacy groups and autism professionals? How can the Church speak to the humanity of the people we want to reach?

In my opinion, we do well to be less concerned about “best practices” and more concerned with simply spending time with Christ before us. In terms of the story of Martha and Mary of Bethany, we can say there are more than enough Marthas in the world with programs and protocols that help us feel like we’re “doing something” for autistic people. Yet – burnout and impostor syndrome still persist, even within the Church. Maybe that’s because the world (and the Church) is lacking the necessary balance provided by the Marys, who lead with an intuitive, often impractical sense of hospitality instead of following the expedient but impersonal suggestions contained in the three-ring binders of the Marthas.

I say this while considering those things which most often contribute to burnout and impostor syndrome, such as:

  • Forcing our executive functioning to operate at a pace it is not designed for or equipped to handle
  • Rationing our accommodations and supports for “once in awhile” or “only when we struggle” – when our need for neurological support is at all times
  • Setting goals for ourselves based on neurotypical benchmarks and assumptions which our neurological infrastructure cannot sustain
  • Acting as though neurodivergent differences are a question of “mind over matter” and can be extinguished through positive thinking, behavioral conditioning, dying to self, and other such maxims
  • Embracing these maxims as good discipline without first asking who (or what) we are seeking to serve, or why
  • Quantifying our worth in worldly terms such as social capital or tangible contributions
  • Adhering to disproven assumptions about neurodivergence made by neurotypical people (which were never accurate, and have been greatly amended in recent academic and professional discussions)

Mary of Bethany may not have set out to subvert the tyranny of custom, but she certainly made that statement when she “wasted” so much of her time and expensive oil on Jesus. And yet, we do well not to confuse her behavior with fawning: Mary was neither making a spectacle of her devotion nor trying to gain favor with Jesus. In my estimation, she was simply acting on a deeply intuitive sense of hospitality, and doing a rather good job at that.

In Mary of Bethany, neurodivergent people might find someone who knows not to hurry us when we need extra time to get to the point.… who knows not to cajole or prod us on when we say we’ve reached our limit… who knows how to adjust plans because the opportunity to sit with Christ is more important than making him adhere to the activity agenda… who generously provides for our sensory comfort even in the face of scorn and ridicule and comments about enabling us, as she knows instinctively that our bodies engage and respond to human connection more easily when we are not overwhelmed by light, sound, texture, dampness, smell and temperature fluctuations.

We can guess that Mary of Bethany’s hospitality does not worry about scarcity, especially when the One who fed the five thousand on five loaves is really and truly present. And, if Jesus had some “special need” which required an extra “something” to relieve that distress during His stay, Mary would think it absurd to only make that available on a schedule (like, say, every third visit to Bethany, or once every three months, whether Jesus is in Bethany or not) … or to pretend not to notice His need because she didn’t want the apostles to feel left out… or to leave Jesus in His distress because He needs to learn to cope on His own.

Back to the actual story: What does Jesus say when Mary is called out for her foolishness, ignoring protocol, acting inexpediently, and encouraging wastefulness and indulgence?

“Mary has chosen the better part.”

Mary, it seems, is not blindly obedient to maxims. Mary’s Lord is the One she welcomes without hesitation – not the Lord of Normal, who demands conformity and measures transgressions in standard deviations.

How do people of faith address burnout and impostor syndrome? By asking ourselves which Lord we serve. By not prioritizing appearances and protocol over Christ, Who dwells within us and sits before us. By choosing the better part.

 

 

Icebergs on icebergs

Picking up where we left off…

Autism Consecrated is hoping to start specifically naming the underlying things which erode our spiritual health, in hopes that identifying them will help the wider church community better understand and support ND needs. This iceberg here is itself the tip of a bigger iceberg (perhaps an entire armada of them) where our faith is concerned. Things like examinations of conscience, teasing out morally neutral neurodivergent traits from what is consciously sinful (without getting tangled up in criticisms which do not account for our legitimate processing differences), prayer, fellowship, engagement with scripture, why we need sensory support EVERY WEEK and not just once every three months at a “special” service… and many more. So much has yet to be addressed by people in the Church to acknowledge the gaping holes in our spiritual formation and support. The Church needs to hear from autistic people about our experiences and struggles, and autistic people need to feel safe and heard in sharing them. Let us pray this will happen.

 

Looking ahead: Easter into April

It is with deep gratitude that we acknowledge the worldwide and encouraging response to our Daily Lenten Prayer Petitions for autism’s belonging in the Body of Christ. We truly thank everyone who has joined us in prayer, and we assure you that you have been instrumental in stirring up grace and new life where it has been greatly needed.

With the Easter season ushering in April, we have the opportunity to take these prayers a step further. If Lent showed us a way through the spiritual desert many of us experience from a lack of understanding and support for our autistic needs, then we have a ready reference in hand to offer our communities during the month dedicated in most places to autism awareness, acceptance and affirmation. As such, we have taken our Lenten prayers and written them so as to be suitable for praying any time, any day, any week, any season. As individuals, we can pray them in sequence, cycling through with renewed resolution each time we begin the set again. As parishes, we might use them specifically during April as a meaningful way to mark Autism Month in the Prayers of the Faithful. As Church, we may reflect on each petition as a way to assess how we are doing, and what we need to do, to support and champion neurodiversity in the Body of Christ. In whatever way the Spirit moves us, may we use these prayers to the glory of God.

Autism Consecrated’s Prayer Intentions are free to download, print, share and use as individuals and groups. May God bless and renew each one of us this April, and beyond!

Praying for vocations?

It’s a safe guess that everyone reading this post will have seen, in one form or another, requests to pray for an increase in vocations to the priesthood, diaconate, religious and consecrated life. Rare is the Diocese with an abundance of priests, or the monastery overflowing with novices, anywhere in the world.

How is it, then, that a decent number of neurodivergent people feeling called to vocations are being turned away?  Worse still, how is it that many of these individuals are being welcomed and encouraged right up until the very moment they drop the “a” word (i.e., “autistic”), and then are stonewalled by a change of tone? Suddenly, the interest drops, the cordiality evaporates, and a businesslike manner takes hold: “We’re sorry, but after further consideration, we don’t think you will be a good fit.”

Excuse me?

If we can set aside the intense pain of such rejection without warning, what is it, objectively speaking, which makes an autistic person unfit for priesthood, diaconate, or religious life?

It’s an important question, considering that this is what we are hearing, again and again, especially from religious orders: autistic people need not apply.

In the absence of any obvious impediments, this rationale is tantamount to selective abortion. The same gravely flawed formula which pushes parents to end the lives of unborn children for the sake of avoiding anticipated hardships due to disability is being applied on a regular basis toward autistic people in the Church who feel genuinely called to religious life, and who respond with sincere intention.

Pray for vocations… but, only from among the fittest?

With apologies to Matthew 25, Our Lord is answering the prayer for vocations in great abundance, but He is being rejected by the very people sounding the call. He arrives in unmasked truth: vulnerable, humble, and open-handed. Rather than embracing Him at the door, we are yielding to the warnings of fearmongering experts, willingly allowing specters of pathology to eclipse the answered prayer before us. Calculating the risks, we turn Him away.

Aborting vocations. One after another.

How much longer, O Lord? How many autistic vocations are snuffed out by directors who refuse to trust that God knows what He is about when He chooses the people He chooses to work in His vineyard?

Pray for vocations? Not until we first pray for vocations directors, and for all the vocations obstructed by those who are threatened by vulnerability.

 

 

An update on the Virtual Café

It is nearly two months after Autism Consecrated introduced our Virtual Café, and the concept is doing exactly what we had hoped it would.

In offering a Virtual Café, we sought to provide something simultaneously real and imaginary, simultaneously tangible and intangible.  Whereas an actual café might be a building offering an oasis of refreshment, our concept goes one step further by requiring participation of the imagination.  What distinguishes the experience is that it is a shared activity – the formation of a community in the unseen, where empathy and acceptance exist unbounded by tangible limitations.  When we offer a space to rest and recharge without pressure, that space comes from the constructs of our attitudes, our beliefs, our desires, our intentions, and our lived experience.  It is what ultimately drives any sense of refreshment our visitors will experience and take with them.  None of those things are “make believe.”  The hospitality we extend is very real. We know what it is like to live in a world that dismisses autistic needs as irrelevant to the community, as individual hardships to be endured without inconveniencing the many… and we also know that is not the way human beings are designed to live.  Our goal is to make St. Thorlak’s Virtual Café  a place where empathy and compassion are freely and happily given, as often as our cups need refilling.

We are pleased to have a model at hand showing that neurodivergent hospitality can, in fact, be offered in a readily applicable and sustainable way.  St. Thorlak’s Virtual Café has no other operating cost than the fraction of the web domain devoted to its posting.  The resources needed can be readily found in the imagination… in the unseen… in the creativity that flows from the mere attitude of welcoming one another.  Would that brick and mortar institutions might notice that inclusion and belonging are not prohibited by either the limitations of disability or the lack of physical resources and accommodations.

Prayer: Let Me Be Leaven

A new addition has been made available on our Prayer page, entitled “Let Me Be Leaven,” based on the very brief parable in Matthew 13:33 –

“The kingdom of heaven is like leaven which a woman took and hid in three measures of flour,

till it was all leavened.”

There are many, many times when we find ourselves in situations where we ask whether or not we should stay, or whether we would be missed if we leave.  Oftentimes this has something to do with our neurodivergence – our being misunderstood, or not noticed, or not able to participate because our needs exceed the accommodations available.  It is an awful feeling, to say the least.  There are times when it is obvious that it is appropriate (maybe even necessary) to leave.  Other times are more ambiguous.  We may want to stay for many valid reasons, but question whether it’s worth the cost.  We may feel a sense of loyalty and belonging, even if that is not always reciprocated.  It may be important to follow through on principle.  Or, we may very simply want to be there because we are there – which is valid reason enough!

For those times, the parable of the leaven in the Kingdom of God seems an apt comparison.  Aside from any physical parallels between how we feel and what dough endures (need we mention kneading, punching or pulling?), the idea of leaven makes an interesting meditation.  Our Lord spoke of leaven to describe how something small and humble grows into something grand and nourishing to great numbers, referring to how the Kingdom of God grows with each simple “yes.”  And yet, the process of leavening is also worth pondering, if we consider how yeast works alongside and within the popular and easily recognizable pantry staples.  Indeed, the sometimes silent, sometimes turbulent action of yeast is absolutely essential to the growth, expansion and full expression of the finished product.

Here is the text of the prayer.

 

Lord, let me be leaven.

When I am unseen, unheard, unknown in my community: Let me be leaven.

Let the full spectrum of me be present, if undetected, exactly as I am: stimming or still, restless or recollected, vocal or silent, vibrant or subdued, needy or fulfilled.

Hide me deep within surrounding measures of activities and committees and busyness and social gatherings.  May my presence permeate and thrive within the community, even when it is not perceptible.

Take into Your Loving Hands my yearning to belong, my desire to serve, the gifts I would share if given the opportunity – and rest them safely beneath the warmth of Your gaze, to rise and expand and thrive in the time You appoint.

Lord, hide me in the places You need me to be, and let me be leaven, wherever You lead me.

 

Amen.