My name is Katherine and I was diagnosed as being on the spectrum at 33. Not only on the spectrum, but also having inattentive type ADHD, social anxiety, depression, Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder, and OCD tendencies. When I got my diagnoses, I was sort of shattered. Many people will tell you that having a diagnosis will lift you out of your current state of mental hell because you now have answers. Unfortunately, that was not the case for me. When I received those diagnoses, I mourned. I actively mourned and grieved for what life was and what kind of life this would mean for the future.
Having these labels made me wonder if I had been a mistake.
I had spent the last 10 years running away from everything. Lived in a world where depression and anxiety ran my routine. Having read a book about being on the spectrum, I wondered if that was the case for me. However, I didn’t care to pursue it. At that time, I worked in a field that I had no idea what I was doing and wasn’t getting any better at. It took me until I was ready to jump off the roof of my apartment building to realize it wasn’t for me. To say I was lost, wandering through the desert, would be an understatement. While I would go to Mass, I didn’t have a relationship with Him. At a certain level I wanted to have one desperately but I didn’t know how and certainly didn’t care enough. Confession was my only saving grace where at least I recognized I was hurting but I couldn’t put the level of self-hatred that had seeped into every crevice into words. I could barely survive each day.
Like Elijah, I was living in a cave. And a still, small voice spoke softly for the first time in the wilderness. Through a YouTube series I ran across a library program in Washington, DC. The requirements, like having to study for and take the GREs, kept me from focusing on who’d want to come to my funeral. Finally, there was a light at the end of the tunnel, which it allowed me to leave things behind.
Although I left my old career, the old friends self-hate, anger, depression, and anxiety came with me. As was typical, I threw myself into my studies and work because I really had no other idea of what to do. I assumed that because I had changed my occupation then those things I hated about myself would slowly go away. While some old feelings and fear did, much did not. I was still very buried in defense mode wondering whether something was wrong with me. Even when I started working in the current library I work in now, I was just as lost and wandering.
Still living in the wilderness He spoke softly and tenderly again, this time in the voice of a spiritual director. He kept asking me "Who are you"? My answers were always different versions of the same thing, "I’m anxious" or "I’m afraid" or "I’m awkward". Our first meeting he played Jon Jorgenson’s "I AM AWESOME" video which talks about how loved and how cherished we are in the eyes of God. Living in the wilderness he kept calling and speaking to me, drawing me out of the shame and pain I’d been living with.
Last year I really felt called to pursue whether I was on the spectrum. Frankly, the depression and anxiety were so out of control I needed help either way. You may well ask what I was mourning and grieving. I couldn’t tell you then. Now, I think I was mourning the loss of life, mourning the loss of 10 years whilst living in hell. I think I was also mourning and grieving for a child that never quite measured up. When my spiritual director asked me the last time "Who are you?" I responded "A beloved daughter of God the father".
It has taken time to learn to accept and love who I am on the spectrum and the ways it and ADHD have shaped me into who I am. I still find that the depression, anxiety, and OCD tendencies can get the best of me. Recently, a friend suggested we create a parish support group for mental health. It would be an outlet for those who may be going through very tough times. Because He drew me out of the wilderness brought me into the land of vineyards, where even my valleys of Achor haven made into doorways of hope.
What I learned without selfishness I pass on without reserve, I do not hide her gifts.
-Wisdom 7:12-13
